Sunday, January 9, 2011

I think I'm paranoid

Today is just a normal Sunday.  Slept in.  Played some video games with the boyfriend.  I just had a delicious apple, honey, and peanut butter sandwich with my new love, Pink Lady apples.  And I thought there was nothing better than Fujis.  Ha!  A trip to Trader Joe's later, possibly Target.  They sent me a giant coupon book, full of everything I use.  I love a good bargain.  And I'm feeling loads better.  I think sleeping for 12 hours yesterday helped a lot.  The boyfriend actually had to wake me up at 2pm.  My appetite even seems slightly better.  Yay!

I'm doing some laundry at the moment.  I opened the closet to the washer and dryer to discover that one of the friends who house-sat for us while we were in LA cleaned all the dried up soap that was all over the washer from when I bought a Costco thing of soap (never doing that again) and it leaked everywhere.  When I asked her about it she said she figured it had just happened and didn't want us to have to deal with it when we got back.  Oops!  I was almost too embarrassed to admit it had been there for months.  But I never claimed to be the best house keeper.  I try but when I go into the kitchen in the morning and there's a bunch of ants in the kitchen sink (not on any dirty dishes or anything, just hanging out) I just can't be bothered to deal with them.  Cleaning, meh.

It's probably a good thing we have friends over a lot.  I'm very paranoid about what people think of me so I go into mad cleaning sprees before anyone can show up.  It's probably the one time that my paranoia  about other people's opinions of me is a helpful thing.

I haven't always been this way.  I remember being 12 and some boy at school making fun of my hair.  I believe I called him a dickwad and told him to shove it.  (What?  I was precocious.)  So then when did this start?  I wish my fear of what other people think of me was something I could blame on my eating disorder but I think it was something that happened when I was first thrown completely out of my element by college and all the changes that went with it.  I never remember feeling so awkward that I was convinced everyone was staring at me and judging me, until college.  And then when I developed an eating disorder it helped to calm those feelings, both by giving me something else to worry about and in a I-can-shink-away-from-view sort of way, so I never really dealt with them.

When we were down in LA we went out to dinner with our friends and another of the boyfriend's friends who lives in SoCal.  He brought a friend of his and everyone there, except for me, is a part of a particular online community.  As we were saying goodbye this other friend said, "Why don't we get a picture of everyone?!  Here, Abby can take it."  I just kind of looked at him and said "Um, gee thanks," in a mostly kidding way that implies "Dude, think about what you just said" but he didn't say "Oh I didn't mean it like that" or anything.  He just said, "What?  You're not a part of XYZ."  And no one, not my boyfriend or the friends we were visiting said anything.  My boyfriend later apologized, said he felt really bad the whole thing but it didn't matter.  I was in tears that night convinced that no one, including my boyfriend, wanted me there and that secretly everyone would be so much happier if I wasn't around. And clearly the reason was because I'm fat and ugly.  I still feel sick when I think about it.  Which is so silly because really?  Not that big a deal at all.  But that's how my brain works.  Someone says something without thinking?  Someone doesn't like me instantly?  It's my fault, there's something wrong with me and I'm fat.

I'm slowly but surely working on it.  Simply commenting on other people's blogs is hard for me (I worry about people judging me) but I try to do it pretty regularly.  And hitting publish on these entries I write?  I swear, I nearly have a heart attack every time!  But I'm going to keep at it because I have to show myself that no one is going to think I'm an awful person for what I write (you know, assuming anyone is actually reading this) and if they do?  So what?  As long as I'm happy with them, that's what matters.


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