Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I've been doing really well with the snacks.  I haven't missed a day, even when I had something heavy for lunch like pizza.  But I'm trying to listen to my body and eat my snack when I'm hungry, not at a set time.  So today I had it early and felt mostly okay with that.  I'm a bit nervous that now I'll be hungry before dinner but we'll see.  I know, if I'm hungry again have another snack, right?  If only it was that simple in my head!

The annoying thing is that I feel like all I do at work now is eat.  Seriously, I just ate my snack and I felt like I'd barely even finished lunch.  And it seems like I'm cramming an insane amount of food into my bag in the mornings.  I just stare it wondering if I really need to eat all this but the answer is yes.  The nighttime sugar binges have stopped and I feel less destroyed when I get off the train.  Of course I've also had these crazy night sweats but I'm not sure if that's related since it's not like I added in that many calories.  It could also be my cat's newfound love of sleeping draped over me at night.  If it is related I'm sure it'll even back out.

Of course I do like that I'm working on this now, when I only have a couple months left at this job.  And then I'll completely throw off my schedule being unemployed.  But at least I'll have gotten into good eating habits that hopefully will carry over into my next job.

In other news we had a big party on Sunday (20+ people over for most of the day) and I was reminded of how much I hate crowds after a while and value my space.  After about 7 hours I escaped upstairs to my bedroom on the guise of comforting my cats who were cowering under the bed.  I climbed under an afghan and would have stayed there until everyone left but my boyfriend begged for my help to kick everyone out.  I just get overwhelmed eventually.  It's too much noise and too many people doing things like throwing their trash into my recycling bin.  (Seriously?  In California you see a can filled with bottles and cardboard and you throw garbage in there? Really?)  I have to try really hard to not trail behind people straightening the picture frames they move and the more people who are in a conversation the harder it gets for me to chime in.  What can I say?  I'm a little neurotic sometimes.

But it's good for me to have these exposures.  If it wasn't for the boyfriend I would lock myself in the house alone most of the time, after working by myself all day at my job.  But he likes to be social.  Very social.  Last year when I was visiting my best friend in Chicago my boyfriend at home was busier with plans than I was on vacation.  I have made some wonderful friends though through him and every time I see that nothing terrible happens from all these people being in my house I think I relax a little more.  I'll never be someone to seek out plans for the most part but I'd be really bored if I never did anything.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

This ends...


I'm not going to screw around with the recovery hell I went through.  Writing here yesterday helped me to put things into perspective.  I've worked too hard to deal with this again.  I went home yesterday and talked to my boyfriend.  I explained that I've been slipping a little and asked him to check in with me in the mornings before work and not let me out the door without a snack.  So this is day 1.

I brought some bread and almond butter and I'm going to eat it.  There was some minor freaking out this morning since it just seemed like a ton of food I was packing.  I broke out the measuring cups and calculator for packing my lunch, which I haven't done in a while, but I think that's probably normal.  Once I get used to having this snack and see that I'm not gaining weight I think I'll chill about lunch again.  Hopefully.  I'll worry about that later.

Now I need to figure out some good snacks that require very little preparation and don't need to be refrigerated.  I think if I have to walk across the building to get my snack and take time to put it together I won't bother.  But if I have something quick and easy that has enough protein and carbs to keep me full and feeling better before dinner I think I'll stick with it.

I'm expecting the anxiety and all but I've been through this before.  It's only temporary.  Wish me luck!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Deciding factors

I'm sorry about being MIA for a while here.  I've been crazy busy with moving stuff and family/friend things.  And if I'm being honest I've been struggling a bit with eating stuff and I'm embarrassed to admit it.  Not just on here, but to my boyfriend or my mom.

I've been skimping on my lunches, which is really bad and so ridiculous because I know better.  I never did add back in that afternoon snack and since I've hated breakfast forever (I do always have some fruit), lunch needs to be enough to get me through the work day.  I've been feeling terrible on my commutes home and I know why.  Weekends are better since it's much less structured and somehow that gives me permission to eat when I want and pick things with a lot more freedom.  And I've been working on some of the food obsessions (like using big forks!) but that doesn't really matter if I'm not actually eating enough.  I just keep thinking, "Well, I'm going to have a big dinner and dessert when I get home.  Why should I eat now?"  The problem is that even if I'm making the calories up it's not necessarily in healthy foods and that every time I let myself get so hungry I feel frantic I'm feeding the ED thoughts and behaviors.

I know eating more will feel bad in the short term and I'm terrified I'll gain weight if I eat more at work.  But by not doing it I'm letting down everyone who cares about me.

I had a timely conversation with my mom this weekend though.  We don't talk much about the past ED stuff.  I know it's hard for her to think about the worst of it.  But somehow it came up and my mom asked if I still felt like she ruined my life by stepping in and making me get treatment.  I just kind of looked at her and asked if I said that.  As I explained to her, my memories of those worst couple years are sketchy at best.  Malnutrition will do that I guess.  She said it was probably a good thing and that she wished she didn't remember it either.

Then she asked if I remembered her telling me I was going to die.  She says we were sitting in the office at their house and I was poking at my hands like they were fat.  I'm sure I was.  I was pretty proud of my bony fingers.  And she says she felt like the worst mother in the world because she told me I was going to die and I started to cry.  I don't remember that either but I'm sure I needed to hear it then and I needed to hear it again now.

This is not how I want to live my life, having friends and family worried about my health and not remembering the good times.  In fact, I refuse to live this way.  I don't know what I'm going to do but something has to change here.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Food obsessiveness

This is a post I've been promising and meaning to write for a while.  I've been doing pretty well food-wise recently (minus last week's freak-out that is safely behind me) so I haven't wanted to jinx it by focusing on the negative but I think it's important for me to be realistic about where I am.  While I'm doing great with eating consistently and (more importantly) not having panic attacks about the eating, I still have some issues I need to work on.

The biggest thing is what I've deemed "food obsessiveness".  I'm sure there's a better name out there but this one makes sense to me.  I've always had some obsessive compulsive tendencies and these days I see them mostly connected to food and eating.

Here are some examples:
1.  When I eat a salad that has a lot of things in it I put aside some of each thing so that my last bite will have everything in it.

2.  I also freak out about the amount of dressing left on the bowl or plate.

3.  I will eat 3 month old cottage cheese that got left in the back of the fridge, rather than waste food.  Even when food is clearly bad like the lettuce I forgot about that turned to mush I have to leave it the fridge for ages before I can throw it away.

4.  That's very rare because I almost always know exactly what's in each cupboard and on each shelf of the fridge.  I can tell my boyfriend where things are without looking and rarely have those grocery store moments where you can't remember if you're out of something.

5.  I'm almost never out of anything because as soon as I open something new, I replace it.  I worry a lot about running out.

6.  When I eat at home I never use big forks.  Small forks feel safe.

7.  I stress out when I use a dish or Tupperware container that is too big for the amount of food.

8.  I pick at the boyfriend's food when I'm finished with my own.  Food feels safer when it's on someone else's plate.

9.  When making something where the measurements don't matter much, like soup, I still measure out the exact amount of carrots if I'm using half a bag so that the next batch has the same amount.  I even count out things like tater tots so that each meal is the same.

10.  I look at the calories on everything, even if I'm going to eat it no matter what the calories are and even if I looked at the calories on that exact box yesterday.

Have I convinced you I'm crazy yet?  I have a bunch of other examples but I guess this pretty much covers it.

I think I've always been obsessive about food to some extent.  I remember as a kid asking my mom if we could have a meal I enjoyed again in the future while I was still eating it.  But, unsurprisingly, this ramped up while my anorexia was at it's worst.  Some of it had to do with eating so few calories that I know my brain was obsessed with getting every single one.  Hence things like licking my salad bowl.  And I think the rest came from thinking about food every moment of the day.  It's hard to not get obsessed when you're doing that.

But these days I eat all the time.  And yet I still have these issues.  Maybe our bodies remember the crazy starvation too well?  I don't know what it is but it's frustrating.  I'm working on it.  Some of these things are easier to change physically.  For example I can force myself to pick up a big fork.  It sucks and it's stressful but once I'm eating it's not so bad.  And maybe if I do it enough times it will get easier.  On the other hand how do I not know what's in my fridge?  That kind of thing is harder.

Am I the only one who suffers from these issues?  Please tell me no, I'm feeling just a little bit insane.  And how do I get past them?