Friday, January 7, 2011

Missing: One Appetite

Last Seen: January 1st at some Indian restaurant in LA
Reward: I'll share some of the food I keep forgetting to eat.  It's tasty, I swear.

So I thought it was just the cold medicine killing my appetite but it's been 36 hours now since I had any so it should have cleared my system.  I used to lose all appetite when I was sick as a kid (leading to secret eating behind my mom's back while trying to convince her I was sick enough to stay home from school when I really wasn't) but I'm definitely on the mend now.  I don't get it.  But I want it back!

A good clue that something was weird was last night, eating dinner.  I had some vegan black bean soup and a handful of Ritz crackers with creamy blue cheese on them and when my boyfriend offered me more cheese I turned him down.  "Nah, I'm full."  And I was full.  That's very, very weird for me.  Years of eating disorders have pretty much destroyed my hunger and satiety mechanisms I think.  Unless I eat to a stuffed, couldn't-eat-another-bite stage I am never full.  Done for me is when I've eaten a normal amount of calories and what I say I'm going to eat at the beginning of a meal.  It's actually kind of annoying.  So if that was how my missing appetite was only manifesting I'd be pretty happy.  Not that that's really enough dinner but whatever.

But things like it getting to 1:30 and my stomach not even making the faintest rumble of hunger when I normally eat at noon keep happening.  I just forced myself to eat a big salad with avocado and now I feel absolutely stuffed.  Blah.  This sucks.  After that dinner last night I wasn't even hungry for anything else all night either!  What's up with me?

I'm sure it's just the cold or something and it'll be back soon but I guess I get frustrated and worried when I'm not hungry.  Frustrated because forcing yourself to eat when you're not hungry isn't fun but skipping meals is the first step down a dark path for me.  And worried because this is so unlike me.  Generally nothing deters my stomach.  I like to say I have a stomach of steel.  (Okay, I've never said that but it sounds cool.)  It takes a bit of time to wake up in the mornings but once it gets going it's great.  I mean, I've never had food poisoning even when I've eaten the same things that made other people sick.  Medicines never give me an upset stomach.  Even when I had horrible stomach aches from stress that landed me in the emergency room I was still hungry. I convinced my mom to pick up an In'N'Out milkshake for me on the way home from the hospital.  And, see?!  That doesn't even sound at all appealing to me right now and I adore those things!  This just... sucks.


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