Thursday, April 28, 2011

Bad Morning

I've been fighting off some sort of cold that's not bad enough for me to stay home from work but means my throat is killing me and I'm so thirsty I can't stand to be separated from my water bottle for more than 10 minutes.  Not to mention the tiredness.  Blah.  I'm trying to take care of myself but I've noticed that when I'm not feeling great the ED thoughts tend to creep in more.

This morning I put on a shirt and a cardigan I wear all the time and feel fine in.  Except this morning all I could see was how fat my stomach looked in the top.  I stood in front of the mirror for 5 minutes poking my flesh and getting more and more upset.  When I finally made it downstairs the boyfriend could tell I was unhappy and tried to make me feel better.  I don't know how it's possible for me to believe that he finds me attractive and that he doesn't see fat when he looks at me and also believe that yes, I am fat, but it is.

Anyhow, there's nothing like tears in the morning right?

The bottom line though is that it doesn't matter.  I can't be anorexic and live the life I want.  If that means I'm stuck being fat then it sucks but I'm just going to have to get over it.  If I have to pick between being skinny and having this life (living with my boyfriend, moving to North Carolina, doing science, having kids someday) I pick this life.  I'm still upset but this is more important.  And I packed myself a lunch even though I wanted desperately to skip it.  Go me, I guess.