I woke up this morning feeling more than a little nostalgic. I think it had something to do with the inside of our house being cool but there being that promise of another hot day (it was 85 degrees yesterday) in the air. It reminded me of being a kid again during summer vacation, waking up in air conditioning, going downstairs and sitting with my mom on the back deck, getting dressed and going to farmer's market, maybe swimming in the afternoon. Years before worries about whether that 1 nibble of muffin is going to make me fat, worries about pulling my hair out, worries about going into debt for the boyfriend's grad school. For the most part I'm pretty happy with my life these days but this morning all I could think about was if there was any way I could recapture that time.
Sadly, there's really not. I mean, I could take a few days off work this summer, go home, sleep in my childhood bed. My mom's a teacher, she'd be there. But it wouldn't be the same.
I don't normally look back like this so it's weird for me. I've always been very focused on moving forward, doing things right. But this past year things have kind of been at a stand-still. When I was a teenager there was school and the constant knowledge that I had to do well in X class so I could get into Y class and get into a good college. Then there was college and every class I took was one step closer to graduating. Then my Masters program and the research that brought me closer to my thesis every day. Then I graduated and there was the job hunt. At the same time I started this job I met my boyfriend and there was the moving forward of the relationship. The first date, swapping keys, moving in together. Everything was to get to the next step. This last year though feels like it has been mainly a waiting game. I should have been job hunting a year ago, looking to get closer to what I really want to do but I knew I'd be moving so I didn't. This marriage and kids thing is on hold until after grad school. I've made very little progress at this recovery thing. I travelled some but that's about it. It makes me wonder, what have I been doing with my life?
I don't exactly have an answer. Cooking more, working out, hanging out with friends and family, watching TV, reading, and playing video games are all nice but I have trouble seeing how any of it is taking me to the next step. I think it'd be so nice to go back to when I just enjoyed things instead of always worrying about moving forward.
Anyhow, on a different note, I found out that the friends we're hanging out with tomorrow night won't be over until 7pm. And then we're going to decide on dinner. I hate late dinners. And yes, that's late for me. I found this out yesterday and ever since I've been trying to psych myself up to eat a snack when I get home. And at the same time I just keep thinking about how ridiculous this is. I have to give myself a pep talk to eat a snack and decide what it will be three days in advance. Fantastic.
And my last random thing is this article. Close to one in three women in this survey would swap a year or more of their life for their ideal body shape. I know 320 women isn't a huge sample size to make sweeping conclusions and it's easy to say you'd do something that could never actually be accomplished but still. It should be zero because it shouldn't even be a question. The sad part is I think I agree with those 30% of the women.
