Sunday, February 6, 2011

Sun, elliptical update, and not making friends

I love living in California.  Seriously, I went to the grocery store in flip-flops today.  How much does that rock?  It's been chilly (by my standards anyways) and it will be chilly again soon but I love the chance to wear a light cardigan out in February.  I'm going to cry when I move and there's snow.

Things that are awesome about having my own elliptical machine:
1. Working out in a sports bra and shorts.  (I would never ever show my stomach in public so that's awesome.)
2.  My Netflix shows give me a built in timer.
3.  I finally have a chance to wear the shorts and pants I have that are too tight or short or see through.  (I knew I kept all the junk for a reason!)
4.  No one but my boyfriend has to see how sweaty and red my face gets.
5.  From the machine to the shower in less than 2 minutes.  (And not having to use gross gym showers.)
All in all I'm so glad we spent the money.  Maybe I'll have to invest in some weights one of these days too.

In other news, we went to friend's 30th birthday party yesterday.  He invited a ton of people (as in more than 50) and everyone hung out and drank a little and played video and board games.  It was the kind of atmosphere where you'd finish some game and the group who'd been playing with you would split up, get more food, and join games with different people.  I knew some of the people there but not a lot and more than once found myself playing games with 4 or 5 guys whose names I didn't even know.  I've grown a lot in the past couple years because before this never would have happened.  I would have been glued to my boyfriend the whole time.  So I felt pretty good about being able to ask people if I could play and joining in.

On the other hand I still had my fair share of obsessing.  I know I'm kind of weird and awkward and easily overwhelmed at the best of times and I've never been someone who made friends easily.  There's those people who others just seem to be drawn to, everyone wants to be their friend.  I feel like I'm kind of the opposite.  There's just nothing about me that compels people to want to keep talking to me or learn more.  There's also been some research into how people with eating disorders don't interpret emotions from others very well.  This makes sense to me.  I often think that people are annoyed at me or disinterested with what I'm saying, even if this isn't the case.  And so why would I open myself up if I think someone else feels this way?

In addition, I generally don't really like myself so why should someone else?  Still though, it made me kind of sad when a friend of mine who was there was being asked by all kinds of people she didn't know to come out drinking after the party broke up.  Things like that just don't happen to me.  I'm sure it's my fault but still.

This worries me because when we move I'm going to be in this new city with no friends or family nearby and my boyfriend (who already makes friends easily) will have a built-in social circle with the people who are in his grad school program.  I guess I'll have the people at my new job but um, I made zero friends at my current job.  Why should that change?  Not that I think my boyfriend will go to things without me and I'll be lonely but sometimes it sucks always being the tagalong.  I don't know.  Maybe I just need to accept that this is my personality and stop obsessing about it.  But I do have some great friends and my boyfriend so I can't be completely horrible, right?  I just wish I knew how to show it to more people.


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