Down

I've been struggling a bit the past couple days.  I've just generally felt kind of down and anxious.  We ended up going to the boyfriend's mom's house on Saturday to see her and his brothers.  I love the boyfriend's mom to death, honestly.  I couldn't ask for a better future mother-in-law, especially having watched my mom (my grandmother was not a very nice person) and now my best friend struggle with theirs.  But when we got there she asked me if I'd lost weight.  I muttered, "I don't know.  I haven't been trying to."  She said that my face "looks very slim".  And that I "look great."  (She added that I always look great though.)  That, of course, sent me into a panic of "What if I've lost weight?  I don't need to, that'd be bad.  But it'd be happy about it.  Maybe I have.  My face always looks skinny first.  Do I need to lose weight?  Should I lose weight?" 

I want to smack myself.  Why does an innocent comment have so much power over me?  I just need to tell her a little about my eating disorder next time we're alone, I think.  She runs a non-profit for handicapped young children.  She would definitely understand and be supportive.

Then we went to the mall since one of the boyfriend's brothers needed shoes and his mom wanted to go to Macy's.  I'd been thinking last week about how I hate all my clothes (seriously, I wear the same few things every week) so I was hoping I could find a couple things.  Then we got there and the boyfriend's mom wanted to buy me clothes and I choked.  I tried on a couple things that looked terrible on me and then mostly wandered around the massive store being overwhelmed and angry about how clothes look on me now as opposed to when I was skinny.  I desperately wanted to find something but the boyfriend's brothers kept telling me to hurry up so I ended up walking out empty handed.  I'm pretty sure his mom thinks I'm nuts now.  Sigh.  And I still have nothing to wear.

And then at the restaurant where we went for dinner the conversation came around to where the boyfriend is going to get into grad school, how he needs healthcare (he's a Type I diabetic), that we're going to move and not be married, married student housing, weddings, etc.  So because I was completely freaked out by the entire day I ended up eating this giant dessert that wasn't even good and I didn't even want.  All in all a fantastic day.

Oh, and my parents called to say they were coming into town to take my brother to dinner since he's been sad and that they wanted to get coffee with me afterwards.  Of course I couldn't because I was out of town with the boyfriend but all I could think was how it'd be nice if they realized I could have used a visit from them, not just as an after-thought, and how they'd know that if they ever bothered to call me and ask.  I have trouble asking for help or support.  Always have.  These are my parents.  Shouldn't they get that by now?

Anyhow, I'm just having a blah few days.  I'm sure it'll pass soon but it's hard to eat right (not too much or too little) when I feel like this.  I'll try and make my next post cover what I talked about last time.  I could kind of use that right now.