I'm disappointed in myself. I turned down dinner with my boyfriend and some of his friends. Part of it is they all went to college together and I find the rehashing of those memories super boring after a while. Seriously, I think I could recite word for word the stories they tell every time. And a lot of those stories involve another (previously mutual) friend that my boyfriend is no longer friends with because of how this guy treated me (a whole other story on it's own). So that always makes me feel pretty awkward. But mainly I did what I always do. I hear the words "eat out" and my brain says "restaurant, unknown, scary, too many calories."
I know eating out is a huge fear for a lot of people with eating disorders and I'm no exception. I remember once calling my dad 3 times while he was out picking up Subway to change my order as I scoured their website calorie counts. And don't even mention eating somewhere without posted stats. I basically ate only undressed salads at restaurants for years. These days I'm pretty good about picking something that balances what I want with what won't give me an anxiety attack. Sometimes I even manage fries or dessert. But I still struggle with the initial brain freak-out.
The conversation in my head today went something like this:
"Who knows what restaurant you'd end up at or what would be in the food? Restaurants are scary."
"But eating out is fun sometimes."
"You eat out all the time. Way too much. It's unhealthy."
"And you're going to eat pizza at your lunch meeting. That's more than enough."
So I didn't go. It's okay. It's just once. I think it's alright if it doesn't become a pattern. I ate dinner at home, including a cookie the boyfriend brought home for me. I worked out but not too much. All in all it's not too terrible but still. I need to watch out for losing these battles.